Lyrics
Intro spoken, school bell rings, then a lone acoustic guitar
Third period. Health class.
Coach Gene walks in with a carton of eggs.
"One week. One egg. Don't drop it."
Verse 1
Monday mornin', Coach went down the row,
Handed every kid an egg and said, "Don't let it go."
I drew a little smile on him with a ballpoint pen,
Named him Eggward Junior, and I've never been the same again.
Pre-Chorus
I don't sleep, I don't eat,
I keep him in a beanie on the passenger seat...
Chorus
I'm an egg dad! (Egg dad!)
Best job I've ever had!
Little white face and a smile I drew,
Every single kid in the hallway knew:
Don't bump my boy, don't shake the bag,
I'm an egg dad! (Egg dad!)
And he's never gonna crack!
Verse 2
Tuesday got a stroller from a lady down the street,
Wednesday bought him sneakers, and he doesn't even have feet.
Started him a college fund, it's up to six-fifteen,
Coach said, "Son, it's for a grade." I said, "It's family, Gene."
Pre-Chorus
Then Kyle bumped my desk in fourth,
I dove across three rows like I was saving the Earth!
Chorus
I'm an egg dad! (Egg dad!)
Best job I've ever had!
Little white face and a smile I drew,
Every single kid in the hallway knew:
Don't bump my boy, don't shake the bag,
I'm an egg dad! (Egg dad!)
And he's never gonna crack!
Bridge music cuts to one soft piano, spoken
(Coach) "Great work this week, everybody. Go ahead and take 'em home... make yourselves some breakfast."
Silence
(Me) "...Breakfast?"
Huge slow choir
Breakfast?! BREAKFAST?!
He's got a college fund!
He's got shoes!
Final Chorus key change, full choir and stadium crowd
I'm an egg dad! (Egg dad!)
Best job I've ever had!
You can scramble my grade, you can fry my GPA,
But my boy's goin' to college someday!
Don't bump my boy, don't shake the bag,
I'm an egg dad! (Egg dad!)
And he's never gonna crack!
Outro music stops dead, one tiny cracking sound
...Eggward?
A tiny chick peeps
Spoken, emotional
Worst Song Ever number thirty-five.
He has my eyes.