Lyrics
Intro spoken, arena ring announcer, crowd roar, sneaker squeaks
Ladies and gentlemen, Main Street Fitness, six a.m.
In this corner: she wipes the bench BEFORE and after.
In that corner: he has never, in his life, re-racked a weight.
Worst Song Ever, number thirty-six.
Boxing bell
Verse 1 Gym Hottie, glossy pop female vocal
Five a.m., I'm stretching by the mirror,
Water bottle labeled every hour, crystal clear,
I wipe the bench, I wipe the bar, I wipe the little pin,
I smile and say "You wanna work in?" Come on in!
Verse 2 Gym Naughty, gritty male rap
Hold up. Hold up.
Forty-five plates on the floor like a minefield,
Curling in the squat rack, that's my battlefield,
Grunted so loud that the treadmills stopped,
Left a towel on four machines, I'm saving every spot.
Pre-Chorus call and response
(Her) "Are you using this one?"
(Him) "Yeah." (He's not!)
(Her) "Are you using that one?"
(Him) "Yeah." (He's not!)
Chorus both, huge gang vocals, beat drops
Gym Hottie! (Wipe it down!)
Gym Naughty! (Leave it out!)
One of us is puttin' all the dumbbells back,
And one of us is nappin' on the dumbbell rack!
Gym Hottie! (Re-rack it!)
Gym Naughty! (Don't wanna!)
Same gym, same time, every single day,
Gym Hottie versus Gym Naughty, hey!
Verse 3 trading lines, faster, brass stabs
(Her) I put the plates back by their weight, from little up to big,
(Him) I loaded up the leg press and then left it for a gig!
(Her) I sprayed the bike, I sprayed the mat, I even sprayed the spray,
(Him) I'm on speakerphone with Grandma in the sauna every day!
(Her) I let a stranger work in and I spotted him for free,
(Him) I brought a whole rotisserie chicken to the rowing machine!
Chorus both, huge gang vocals
Gym Hottie! (Wipe it down!)
Gym Naughty! (Leave it out!)
One of us is puttin' all the dumbbells back,
And one of us is nappin' on the dumbbell rack!
Gym Hottie! (Re-rack it!)
Gym Naughty! (Don't wanna!)
Same gym, same time, every single day,
Gym Hottie versus Gym Naughty, hey!
Bridge beat cuts out, one slow heartbeat kick, spoken
(Front desk) "Okay. Both of you. My office."
(Her, whispering) "...I have to confess something."
Choir gasp
(Her) "Last Tuesday... I used the leg press... and I didn't wipe it."
(Him) "...Bro."
(Her) "It looked dry! It LOOKED dry!"
(Him, emotional) "That's the naughtiest thing I've ever heard."
Silence
(Him) "...Teach me how to re-rack."
Final Chorus key change, full choir, stadium crowd
Gym Hottie! (Wipe it down!)
Gym Naughty! (Wipe it... down?)
He put back a dumbbell and the whole gym cried,
She left a sweaty towel and she felt alive!
Gym Hottie! (Re-rack it!)
Gym Naughty! (I did it!)
Same gym, same time, every single day,
Gym Hottie AND Gym Naughty, hey!
Outro music stops dead, spoken
(Front desk) "Sir? You re-racked it... on the treadmill."
Treadmill speeds up, huge metal crash
(Him) "Worst Song Ever, number thirty-six."
(Her) "...I'll get the wipes."